Conspicuous

I always feel conspicuous at tech conferences. Very…visible. It’s hard not too when you’re sitting in a workshop with 100 men and 8 other women. I don’t usually feel so out of place at my office with people I know.

Conspicuous, adjective, standing out so as to be clearly visible.

Am I representing women in technology well? Is my hair to plain or overdone today? Is lip gloss too much? I feel prettier and more confident in lip gloss. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard, but I also want to look professional. Is this purple pen too girly? I have other writing tools maybe I should use those…

It’s always like this, no matter how hard I fight it. Even my junky old work laptop feels clunky and like I am somehow less in-the-know than others with their machines that are 100x sleeker and 5 years newer.

I’ll listen quietly as the two guys in front of me discuss how great it is to be away from the kids for a few days. I miss my one year old at home. It’s awfully hard leaving her. I’m quietly harboring another baby in progress, deep in my tummy but no one knows that yet. It does make the cigarette smell on the person next to me nauseating though.

I want to be a good ambassador for women. I want to ask smart-sounding questions. I want to make the skeptics in the room change their minds (I know you’re here)

So I’ll sit quietly off to the side, not in the front, not in the back, and try to be at the very least, not a bad representative of women in technology.

At least the lines at the women’s rooms are short.